RANTER NOTICE!!!!!

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM “THE RANTER”

Dear Readers,

I apologize for the delay in updating my Blog.Without specifics, lets just say that, the doctors wont let me anywhere near a computer, and an asylum isn't the most ideal place to find a laptop.Further more, for the past few weeks I have been heavily sedated and bruised(that’s what you get for one two many escape attempts.Never knew they  could made fences that high).

Anyway,the doctors  say I’m responding to treatment,and I’m inclined to agree(considering  I haven't tried to  grievously harm anyone within the past three days,they might be right) .And I have been taking my medication regularly.Honest.And the voices in my head have stopped(ok, maybe not completely, I still hear them now and then……ok, I hear them everyday.But that’s like,…… our little secret………right?DAMMIT! SAY SOMETHING!!!

I urge you to continue reading my blog.WHY? Because,My drugs are expensive and this is my sole source of income.

Thank you for your time.

I remain your ever- Faithful

RANTER-
The SCREAMING Patient in room No:902

Splice-movie-omg-what-were-they-thinking of Service Network

 

Welcome to the Splice Service Network

If you like Mr. Adrian Brody, Press 2 now

If you like nudity, Press 3 now

If you want to see Mr. Adrian Brody engaging in bestiality, Press 8 now

If you like half-squirrel, half-bat, half-kangaroo, half-amphibian, half-scorpion albino bald headed females with poisonous stinging tails and a propensity to switch genders at will, Press 9 now and we will send you a caller tune of the sounds they make during sex for a give away price of !!!N9.95k!!! (vat inclusive)

If you need another reason why scientists shouldn’t be allowed to procreate, Press 1

If you are uncertain about your sexuality, Press 4

If you still want to see this movie despite all theses freaky-weird-oh-my-God-what-was-I-thinking-ness, you are clearly a dysfunctional, screwed up, we-feel-sorry-for-your-mother nut job, Press 5

Good luck.

KISSING BOO

Ever had a ‘dental collision’? Okay I’ll admit I coined the term. Basically, a dental collision is that unpleasant collision that occurs between two people during kissing. Usually, this is how it works. Guy is kissing Girl, the scene’s really hot and heavy, limbs all over the place – promising? Then it happens. Their incisors (front teeth) collide in shall we say ‘mid-kiss’? ‘Ouch!’ There goes another lost moment.
Guy and Girl terminate kiss IMMEDIATELY! There’s a stare that passes between them in that moment just after lips unlock. Was it my fault? Their eyes seem to ask each other. If you were Guy or Girl, what would you do?
a) Laugh over it and recommence smooching
b) Secretly check if all your 32’s are in place?
c) Scream, ‘You’re a shitty kisser!’ and run like hell; or
d) Make a mental note to look up ‘dental collisions’ from your copy of kissing for dummies/idiots & ignoramuses.

Courtesy toonpool.com

No matter what option you pick, remember this, one of you or worse, both of you are what I have aptly coined ‘colliders’.
Here’s a tip for identifying a ‘collider’ during a kiss. Their teeth are always in the way. Enough said. Aside from ‘colliders’, there are ‘drippers’, ‘piranhas’, ‘all eyes’, and ‘numb tongues’

The Dripper. ‘One that goeth to and fro the earth with a small lake of saliva in his mouth seeking an unfortunate face to drown’. Basically the dripper seems to … well salivate during a kiss. He/she sally has saliva everywhere else (except in his/her own mouth) during a smooch. Put it this way, you know how some people drool while sleeping? Well a dripper drools while kissing. How does one identify a dripper? The sad truth is you’ll just have to kiss one to know one. Sorry.

The Piranha. A close relative of the collider. They both choose to use their teeth during smooches. But the difference here is the piranha seems to confuse ‘making out’ with ‘eating out’. One false move and snap! Severed tongues or lips. Trust me, it really hurts. Here’s a tip with kissing a piranha – kiss slow. Most of their munching during the smooching occurs when they are excited. So take your time or risk using salt and water to gargle for the next two weeks.

The Numb tongues. Part of the bliss of a kiss is in the artistic movement of one’s tongue in your lover’s mouth (sigh). What can I say? Some people possess heavenly tongues – my girlfriend’s comes to mind. Anyway, if there are heavenly tongues, then it is not much of a stretch to have a hellish tongue, that’s a numb tongue. It doesn’t caress or move around; in fact it doesn’t do anything. The tongue just sticks out of its owner’s mouth with no specific intention in mind. It’s kind of like a flaccid penis. You just can’t do anything with it. During a kiss, the numb tongue goes in your mouth and… just stays there (like you needed a second tongue). I hope I’ve helped.

Guys, Girls, Beware! These people are out there so protect yourselves. Colliders. Drippers, Piranhas, and Numb tongues are out there. Jah Bless.

THE KARATE KID 21st century style - Out with the Old, In with the New.

“Wax on wax off…...” now that’s a classic! As a child, I loved the old Karate Kid (1984). I mean, who didn’t like to hear Mr. Miyagi go, “…..wax on wax off….!” I especially loved the flying crane kick, at the end of the of the first installment of the original, which for me was the highlight of The Karate Kid (1984). I mean back then in the early 80s, martial arts movies were all the hype. From “No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)” to “The American Ninja (1985)” Movies like The Karate Kid were for me the “Matrix” of their day.

So I was understandably uncomfortable when the new Karate Kid movie hit cinemas. This was one of my best movies growing up as a kid in Port Harcourt. It had all the elements of what I considered a “good film”. So I didn’t know what to expect when the new one was released. Considering that so many remakes this year were major, major, MAJOR flops. I was scared. I’m a little superstitious when it comes to movie sequels and remakes. My philosophy is simple, “Lightening never strikes the same place twice!” So when you have a hit the first time, you might not get a hit a second time. So don’t push it!

Now don’t get me wrong, there have been some fantastic sequels and remakes in film history such as Terminator 2: Judgment day (1991), and X-men franchise (2000 – 2006), to mention but a few. But I had had so many disappointments this year (film wise) so I said a silent, “The Lord is my Shepard….” and tightly crossed my fingers as I approached the cinema.

Of course, the movie had some potential. It had in the lead role JADEN SMITH (The Pursuit of Happynesss), which was a good thing. I remembered him in The Pursuit of Happyness (2006) starring opposite his dad, Will Smith (Bad Boys). Jaden was phenomenal in the movie and had a lot of memorable moments. Jaden’s character (Dre) replaces Ralph Macchio’s (Daniel) as the lead character. He is clearly an actor to watch out for. When I heard he’d been cast in the lead role, I felt a little relieved though I was still a little worried. “God dey!” I remember saying to myself as I entered the cinema hall. The movie also starred Jackie Chan (Rush Hour), which was another plus. His character (Mr. Han) replaces the Late Pat Morita’s (Mr. Miyagi) as Jaden’s unorthodox kung fu instructor. As a seasoned fan of martial arts movies, Jackie Chan is one of my idols right next Bruce Lee. (I’m serious) did you know he was in the movie “Enter the Dragon? (1973)” (Jackie Chan, I mean.) But that’s for another time.


courtesy Fanpop!

The movie was shot all over China and was directed by  Harald Zwart, written by Christopher Murphy and get this, Will Smith’s movie company Overbrook Entertainment, produced the movie (another plus).

I settle in to watch the movie and a couple of hours later, all I could say was Wow!!!

The movie wasn’t good, it was fantastic! Jaden Smith has truly arrived as an actor. Jackie Chan was well…Jackie Chan. He was at his most dramatic. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry in a movie before. Yes! you heard me. Jackie Chan CRIES!! Okay, I’m spoiling it for you. But this was a really ‘gooood’ movie. The martial arts sequences, martial arts scenes were very realistic. Jaden trained for about six months for this movie. And boy was it worth it? That last kick was a real beauty. There was a lot of humor in the movie. The hilarious Taraji P. Henson (Hustle and Flow) as Jaden’s mother supplied her own special brand of humor to the flick.

Over all, this was a very very very good movie. And as remakes go, it was “da bomb”. They definitely have my vote for a sequel. If you haven’t seen it, GO SEE IT. It’s a phenomenal movie. JAH BLESS!

CLASH OF THE TITANS: CGI versus GREAT SCRIPT

This is a very touchy one for me, so forgive me if I let out some steam, “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!”

Okay, I’m much better now. My question is….. why, why in Christendom did they embark on this project in the first place? Were they bored or was this some elaborate attempt at a joke?

Let me start with the original Clash of the Titans (1981). Now that was a movie! Okay, the special effects back then weren’t exactly Jurassic Park (1993) standard, but what did you expect in the 80s, C.G.I? But you’ve got to give it to the classic; it had a lot of points. It had a good story, interesting characters (I like the stygian witches), and who didn’t like Calibos a demon-looking ill tempered beast with a pitch-fork for a right hand? There were the magical creatures like Bubo (the golden owl), Pegasus (the white winged horse), and Medusa…the woman whose looks could kill……Literally! And of course, the ever so grouchy, giant sea beast with a propensity to destroy cities on a bad day (the Kraken).The story had giant scorpions, amazing battle scenes, giant vultures, gods, magic helmets swords and cloaks. This was a good movie.

courtesy of skxe4dq

I was looking forward to the new Clash of the Titans (2010) when it hit cinemas on that fateful day. So, I left the office early that day .Told my boss I wasn’t feeling so good (C’mon, this was Clash of the Titans, such movies came along once in a life time). I made a mad dash for the cinema. The movie was premiering that evening and I wanted to be one of the first to see it. Oh! Did I mention Sam Worthington (Avatar) is in the lead as Perseus in the movie? I had seen the movie trailer and it was gooooooooooooooood! In hindsight, I ask myself, why was I sooooooo gullible? Maybe it was a weird form of hypnosis. After I saw that movie, I didn’t know why I had wanted to see it so desperately in the first place.

courtesy of Aceshowbiz

I felt robbed after that movie, what were they thinking? It was nothing like the original (and I don’t mean that in a good way) the only thing it had over the original was special effects. Why, why?!

Sam Worthington was completely wasted in the movie. For an actor of his calibre this was a waste of his………..presence! The movie lacked depth, the characters were not well defined. One got the impression the producers were in a hurry to get to the action sequences as if to say, “……the audience doesn’t have to get it, as long as they see some special effects!”

I especially loved the scene with the Stygian witches in the old version. Why? DIALOGUE! DIALOGUE! There was none in this new version. The story seemed like a sh@$ty version of the original. If I had not seen the original, I’d say this one was … a five on a scale of one to ten (and I’m being generous). Some characters could have been better defined and less flattened. Take Calibos for instance we could have used a little bit more information bout his past. We know from the original that he was cursed by Zeus and is hell-bent on stopping Perseus. So if that’s the case, why are we told the same thing in the new story? The plot was a little cheesy at times. I think it was a little weird that Gemma Atherton’s (Prince of Persia: Sands of Time) character, Io, is brought back to life by Zeus at the end. And I think the Medusa in the original was truer to life and gratifyingly more impressive.

All in all, despite the presence of Liam Neeson (Taken) and Ralph Fiennes (Harry Potter), as Zeus and Hades respectively, save your pop-corn. You're better off seeing the original for the Hundredth time. JAH BLESS.

Wahala! Chronicles: Oga! you dey go?

I got to the bus stop at Adekunle at about 7:30am one Tuesday morning. The crowd of people told me that I was in for a bit of wrestling before I was going to get a bus. That is, if I was going to get a bus.

“Oshodi, Oshodi!” screamed a haggard looking bus conductor as he dangled from the side of a moving ancient looking bus. I darted towards the bus. My primary objective was the front seat. Any seasoned bus-hopper knows that the front seat of a bus in Lagos is kind of its own version of “first-class”. If you’re seated anywhere else on that bus, you’re in “coach”. Enough said. In that same instant, a mob of bankers, corpers, traders and yes, lawyers charged at the bus. People elbowed, punched, pushed and kicked their way to the small door of the slowly moving large rickety piece of metal on wheels. In a split-second, a smallish woman (wearing a police uniform) cut me off from the passenger side door and swiftly dribbled her way into the front seat, with agility that would have impressed Jay Jay Okocha. I was stunned (I never knew police women moved that fast).  So clearly I wasn’t the only one who had to be somewhere very important that morning.

“Ah!” a smallish man cried out, as a large (and I mean really large) woman shoved her bulk into him with all the enthusiasm of a seasoned traditional wrestler. The man, possibly a banker (if the blue suit was anything to go by) fell to the ground, hard. He was kicked, roughly shoved aside (and I think spat on. Then again maybe I imagined it) as the mob continued to besiege the bus. It was a real battle of the suits that lasted say about 20-25 seconds. I didn’t stand a chance. Long story short; I missed that bus, along with 15-20 other people.

The next bus arrived (or came through) about 10 minutes later. “Bariga! Bariga!” went the hungry looking conductor (this guy looked even more haggard than the last guy.) Where did these people come from anyway? True to his calling, this one was also dangling from the side of the bus. Perhaps this was part of the conductors’ job description; “Must Look Haggard and under Fed. Must Be Able To Dangle From Side Of A Moving Bus………!” Your guess is as good as mine.

The bus of course, didn’t stop or slow down. Not that it would have mattered. Once again, elbows, punches, kicks, grunts and the occasional saliva filled the air.

I didn’t even bother. That’s Lagos for you, I thought to myself. I quickly checked my watch, 7:45am. Crap! My interview was for 9:00am. Christ only knew the sort of traffic I was likely to meet on the Third Mainland Bridge.

As time passed, I considered my options. There were fewer and fewer buses going towards Obalende. Should I wait? I took a quick survey of the crowd of people staring hungrily at the buses as they went by. Even if an Obalende bus showed up, these wrestlers would beat me to it. I didn’t want to be late. Try showing up for a job interview late and see where it gets you!


(picture: courtesy of Lolade Adewuyi)

Reluctantly, I spied some Okadas to my left. The red-eyed crazy looking Okada riders stared at us the way hyenas observed lost Gazelles in the Serengeti. They seemed to be daring us to call them.

I tore my eyes away from the Okadas. Besides, they would be too expensive. On average, a trip from Adekunle to Obalende would set you back by Five Hundred Naira. As opposed to the Fifty Naira I would have spent on a bus ride for the same trip. And let us not forget, Okada rides are not exactly famous for their safety. For me, there is only one word to describe an Okada ride….Dangerous! When you ride an Okada on the Third Mainland Bridge, your life expectancy is…five minutes. I decided to wait for a bus.

Fifteen minutes later I was still standing at the bus stop, wearing my best suit. I had a large folder under my arm. The folder contained all my credentials from Primary School to NYSC. So technically, I had my “life” in my hands. No bus heading to Obalende had shown up. It was 8 am, and I was getting desperate.

I decided to take a chance “Desperate times, call for desperate measures,” I remember thinking to myself. I had no other choice but to call out to the Hyenas. “Okada!” I yelled out before I could stop myself. In an instant, they were all around me.

“Oga, where you dey go?  Na V.I.? You wan go Ikeja?  Na me you dey call?”

The questions were coming at me…fast, and so were the Okada riders. “Oga!” called out a semi-toothless one. I considered the haggard looking, unkempt toothless man for a few seconds. The severe eczema on his face made his complexion difficult to ascertain. His motor-bike looked … ancient. To be perfectly honest, the only reason he stood out was because he got to me first, or rather his stench got to me (a clear 3 seconds before he did). He was definitely a ghastly accident waiting to happen. I decided to try someone else. The truth was that they all looked the same; haggard, dirty, smelly and mostly, the bikes looked like rejects from the Biafran war.

Long story short, I eventually got on an Okada. It wasn’t easy. I had to settle for a Northern Nigerian looking guy riding a not-so-ancient-looking okada.
“Obalende!” I called out, encouraging him to come closer. “Two-Pipty!” he yelled with an ugly grin. (I know, I thought the accent was funny too).

I said I quick “The Lord is my shepherd…” and got on the Okada. (The next 10-15 minutes were for me too harrowingly traumatic to recant. Please bear with me. I’d rather just skip and pick up this tale from when  I got off the Okada on the other side of the Third Mainland Bridge thank you) When I got off the Okada (thankfully) I had lost my voice. Yes, literally I had lost my voice, because I had screamed through the entire trip. I’d lost all feeling in my legs, my heart was still beating (at machine gun rapidity) and the homicidal man was smiling at me. Can you believe that?! We could have died on that bridge! (and trust me we had some pretty close calls) and he was smiling?! I mean when did we start entrusting our lives to these people?! Most of them don’t even have licenses! But they are on our roads! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!

I got to my interview eventually. But I couldn’t get the horrific trip out of my mind. Some one once asked if Okadas should be outlawed in Nigeria. My answer? YES!!!!!!!!! JAH BLESS!

Bottoms Up? The Infamous Low-rise Jeans

The infamous Low-Rise jeans! Hmmmmm! What a topic! You see them everywhere these days. I mean people (mostly women) wear them everywhere; on the streets, at cinemas, in bars, in clubs (don’t get me started on that one); even in church (seriously). There just seems to be no occasion that these jeans won’t “rise” to (no pun intended).

courtesy of Wikipedia

Look, like any other healthy heterosexual male Nigerian, I like sexy. The female anatomy is …beautiful! God bless you 9JA women! There’s nothing wrong with showing off a little skin (tastefully, of course) But there’s a fine line between sexy and trashy. A lot of women seem to be flirting with this line. But what exactly is Low-Rise Jeans?  For the not so well informed (I would never call you “ignorant” just…not well informed) I think a brief introduction/history is required to delve into this…“issue”.

courtesy of abc.net

“Low-Rise jeans worn by both men and women are jeans intended to sit low on, or below, the hips. They are also called low cut jeans, hipsters, hip-huggers and low riders. Usually they sit at least 8 centimeters (3 inches) lower than the belly button. … The predecessor of low-rise jeans, hip-huggers gained popularity in the 1960s. Hip-huggers were low-cut, tight around the hip and thigh area, flaring out towards the lower leg. This style of jeans was all the rage for both men and women, more so, with the hippy crowd. In the 1970’s, still as fashionable as ever and this time with the disco set, the hip-huggers then became known as bell-bottoms. In the 80’s and 90’s however, low-cut jeans fell out of fashion and people started wearing high-waist, straight legged jeans...“ (Wikipedia)

Don’t get me wrong, I think the original rationale behind low rise jeans is cool. I’m an extremely fashion conscious guy. Any pair of jeans tailored to sit low on, or below the hips isn’t so bad (that is, assuming the person wearing them isn’t ignorant of that fact).

I think decades ago (way way before my time) when this trend was born, there was such a thing as “reasonably” low rise jeans. Today…well let’s just say, I don’t know what’s going on any more. A couple of days ago, I was hanging out with some friends at an ice cream parlour. Sitting across from us were three young ladies (and I use the term “ladies” loosely). They were showing (and I mean….SHOWING). It was all butt cracks and cellulite. And get this; the jeans they were wearing weren’t even low rise jeans! Why in God’s name would you wear a pair of non-low rise jeans like that? Maybe some of these clothes should come with manuals on how they should be worn (no, seriously).

courtesy of Rawganique.com

If you live in Port Harcourt or in any of the major cities in Nigeria, you’ve probably witnessed this horrific sight; a girl wearing a pair of really undersized jeans that barely covers her butt (then get this), she stretches and tucks into those jeans a minute vest (usually white or black). End result isn’t pretty. I mean she looks like her butt would fall out if the wind changed direction. And don’t get me started on how these girls look on Okadas. Let’s just not go there. C’mon, ladies! Decency! Decency!

courtesy of Budget Fashion Report

It’s not just the girls too, even ma fellow guys, are on this line up. I’m trying to understand the rationale behind wanting the rest of society to know what color of boxers you are wearing. When you let your jeans drop so low you look……… awkward. I just think that there are tasteful ways to pull this off.

courtesy of Malingering

And ladies look, low rise jeans are sexy, but sometimes not very practical. I mean try picking up a pencil off the floor (or better yet, try running) in that outfit. I read in Wikipedia that an article from the Canadian Medical Association Journal, pointed out that wearing low-waist jeans can cause Meralgia paresthetica. It causes pain and paresthesia, a tingling or burning sensation in the thigh area. The condition was identified in three slightly obese women who wore these types of jeans for 6-8 months. After abstaining from low-cut jeans, they were healed in 4-6 weeks. Go figure.

All I’m saying is there’s a fine line between sexy and classy.  DON’T FLIRT WITH IT! JAH BLESS!