KISSING BOO

Ever had a ‘dental collision’? Okay I’ll admit I coined the term. Basically, a dental collision is that unpleasant collision that occurs between two people during kissing. Usually, this is how it works. Guy is kissing Girl, the scene’s really hot and heavy, limbs all over the place – promising? Then it happens. Their incisors (front teeth) collide in shall we say ‘mid-kiss’? ‘Ouch!’ There goes another lost moment.
Guy and Girl terminate kiss IMMEDIATELY! There’s a stare that passes between them in that moment just after lips unlock. Was it my fault? Their eyes seem to ask each other. If you were Guy or Girl, what would you do?
a) Laugh over it and recommence smooching
b) Secretly check if all your 32’s are in place?
c) Scream, ‘You’re a shitty kisser!’ and run like hell; or
d) Make a mental note to look up ‘dental collisions’ from your copy of kissing for dummies/idiots & ignoramuses.

Courtesy toonpool.com

No matter what option you pick, remember this, one of you or worse, both of you are what I have aptly coined ‘colliders’.
Here’s a tip for identifying a ‘collider’ during a kiss. Their teeth are always in the way. Enough said. Aside from ‘colliders’, there are ‘drippers’, ‘piranhas’, ‘all eyes’, and ‘numb tongues’

The Dripper. ‘One that goeth to and fro the earth with a small lake of saliva in his mouth seeking an unfortunate face to drown’. Basically the dripper seems to … well salivate during a kiss. He/she sally has saliva everywhere else (except in his/her own mouth) during a smooch. Put it this way, you know how some people drool while sleeping? Well a dripper drools while kissing. How does one identify a dripper? The sad truth is you’ll just have to kiss one to know one. Sorry.

The Piranha. A close relative of the collider. They both choose to use their teeth during smooches. But the difference here is the piranha seems to confuse ‘making out’ with ‘eating out’. One false move and snap! Severed tongues or lips. Trust me, it really hurts. Here’s a tip with kissing a piranha – kiss slow. Most of their munching during the smooching occurs when they are excited. So take your time or risk using salt and water to gargle for the next two weeks.

The Numb tongues. Part of the bliss of a kiss is in the artistic movement of one’s tongue in your lover’s mouth (sigh). What can I say? Some people possess heavenly tongues – my girlfriend’s comes to mind. Anyway, if there are heavenly tongues, then it is not much of a stretch to have a hellish tongue, that’s a numb tongue. It doesn’t caress or move around; in fact it doesn’t do anything. The tongue just sticks out of its owner’s mouth with no specific intention in mind. It’s kind of like a flaccid penis. You just can’t do anything with it. During a kiss, the numb tongue goes in your mouth and… just stays there (like you needed a second tongue). I hope I’ve helped.

Guys, Girls, Beware! These people are out there so protect yourselves. Colliders. Drippers, Piranhas, and Numb tongues are out there. Jah Bless.